Asking to pause time...

I am not an eloquent writer. I often have trouble putting my thoughts down on paper (albeit virtual paper). I cherish the moments with my babes that make my heart smile. The ones that make me laugh & the ones that make me cry. I file their beauty away in my mind, storing memories, treasuring the feelings that wash over me.

I always knew that I wanted to be a mother. I've known for as long as I can remember that having children is what would make my life complete. Finding my soulmate & having babies with him has brought me more peace & joy than I could have ever imagined.

99% of the time, I stay away from the blogs & stories of parents who are going through heartbreaking situations with their own babes. My heart cannot take it. Perhaps I am just incredibly selfish. Only wanting to see the good, the funny, the happy, that other mom's have to share. If they are brave enough to put it out there, why can I not be brave enough to share in what they have to say?

Today is one of those rare days that I stop my selfishness, stop my desire to only see the good, stop pretending that there aren't moms out there who deal with constant heartbreak. I crawl out of my self-imposed "cave of goodness".

And it is a slap in the face. It is a wake-up call. It is a big 'ol knock on my door. Reminding me to always be grateful for my two beautiful babes.

As I was reading about beautiful baby Stellan this afternoon, and catching up on the latest developments, the tears started pouring.

I felt ashamed for the times I'd been short with Bear the past week. I felt ashamed for the moments I didn't snatch Roo up & snuggle him when he cried for me. I felt ashamed for not feeling grateful for every second I had with my two beautiful, healthy babes.

Reminding myself that those are normal things, normal feelings, normal normal normal for every day life with two babes didn't help.

Bear, in her infinite sweetness & ability to just know when I need her, looked at me & said "Momma crying? Momma sad?" and when I replied, "Yes, honey, Momma is crying. Momma isn't sad, though. Momma is thinking about how happy & blessed I am to have you & Roo-baby" she looked at me like she knew exactly what I was talking about. She obliged my request for hugs & kisses (which is rare from my sassy little girl), wiped my tears & said "Momma, no crying. Happy!"

How could my little girl know that's exactly what I needed from her at that exact moment?

And when Roo-baby woke from his nap, I made sure to hug him a little longer, kiss him a few extra times, whisper in his ear just how much I love & adore him.

I do not exaggerate when I say, if anything were to happen to either of my babes, I don't know how I would go on breathing. They are my life, my drive, my will to live. They are the reason I wake in the morning, what keeps me going during the day, sends me crashing into bed at night.

I know it's impossible to pause time. To rewind to that silly laugh, that sloppy kiss, that hug when I needed it most. It's impossible to hit the pause button, slow the growth, halt the walking. The best I can do is appreciate every day with my loves. Take the pictures, remember the words, cherish the hugs & kisses.

And never stop remembering just how truly blessed I am.

If you have time, please. Read Stellan's story. Say a prayer for this sweet babe who has already endured so much.

And also, please. Read about beautiful Maddie. Another sweet angel who needs your love & prayers.

And just pause yourself. Hug & kiss your sweet babes. Laugh at them, shed a few tears of joy. While our prayers & thoughts are wonderful for sweet Stellan & Maddie, to me, the best thing we can do for these beautiful babes is take the time to appreciate what we have.