Bear's Story

As Bear approaches her 2nd birthday, I sit here dumbfounded, wondering how she could be two already.

If things had gone according to THE PLAN (of course it's in caps...doesn't everyone have THE PLAN??), we'd probably just now be thinking about starting a family. What fun would it be, though, to stick with THE PLAN?

A month after our 1st anniversary, that time of the month came. And then it went. And I double checked my pill pack. Yep...everything was in place (or I guess in this case, missing), just like it should have been.

I gave it another week because even after getting on the Pill, my body still had its own opinions about what should be going on. And then overnight, my booblets exploded. So I promptly went out & helped raise Clear Blue Easy's stock prices.

We made the expected phone calls, scheduled doctor's appointments, all the usual. And then about a week later, I started bleeding. Off we went to the ER where I was violated by what The Doctor lovingly calls "the Death Wand". They didn't want to talk about it, rather they said they'd send the results to my doctor & he'd be in touch.

One day later & I found myself in the hospital, being prepped for a D&C.

After my follow-up a month later, The Doctor (husband...not my actual doctor) asked me how I felt about trying again. Even though he still had 2 years of school left, he'd fallen so in love with the idea of a baby in the 2 short weeks we knew about it, he was prepared to make the sacrifice.

Seriously? Baby-makin' isn't so fun when it's planned.

My pregnancy was mostly uneventful. We had a nice, long 3 month worry when the US Tech thought she saw fluid backing up in Bear's kidneys. We had to wait until I was 7 months pregnant to have a repeat US. Apparently, girl just had to pee.

The night before my final appointment, I got a phone call no one ever wants to get. One of my close friends had delivered her son a week before Bear was born. She took him home & was back in the ER that night. She called to tell me he'd passed away.

To say I was a nervous wreck, a mess, is an understatement. I cried the entire hour & a half drive to the doctor's office. I cried through the entire appointment. I couldn't stop shaking, stop asking "What if?"

The Doctor couldn't have been more supportive, a better advocate for me & his soon-to-be baby girl. As soon as we checked into the hospital, he took my first nurse outside & explained the situation. He proceeded to do this with every new nurse we had.

My doctor had told me he'd be by at 6:30am to break my water. At 6:15, I woke up The Doctor & told him to go get a nurse because I thought I might have wet the bed. Oh my was I a wimp the 1st time around. I was barely at a 2, begging for the epidural.

Labor with Bear went surprisingly fast. My water broke at 6:15, I had the epidural by 8:30, I pushed for less than an hour, & Bear made her screaming arrival at 3:00pm on the dot.

3:00pm. When I checked into the hospital the night before, the last I'd been told was that the funeral for sweet baby boy was to be at 3:00pm that day.

We have a DVD of the first few minutes after Bear's arrival. They show the clock, then show Bear being placed on my chest. Every time I watch the DVD, I hurt through that part because my tears? They were not simply tears of joy at meeting my sweet daughter. Mixed in are tears of sorrow for my friend, tears of sorrow for the sweet boy I will never get to visit again, tears of absolute terror because I am fearful of the unknown.

The Doctor did the same routine with every nurse who came in contact with Bear. Told them the story, told them my fears. We could not have asked for a better team of nurses to be taking care of me & Bear. They were so thoughtful, so kind, so very understanding. The Doctor was allowed to go with Bear every time she was taken out of our room (we didn't realize this was unusual until we were at a different hospital with Roo, where Doctor wasn't allowed to accompany Roo when they took him out of our room). (Silly side note: The best nurse we had for Bear? Anyone remember Ross the Intern from The Tonight Show? Yeah. He could have been his twin brother.)

Bear's first month was a blur. I try to think back, to remember what the time was like, but all I come up with is a fuzzy screen. The first month of her life, I was so on edge, so fearful, that I couldn't relax, couldn't enjoy my sweet, quiet moments with her.

As happy as I was to have my precious girl in my arms, I was so very angry. Angry at the circumstances, angry that sweet baby boy had passed. Angry that I felt like I wasn't able to enjoy Bear's first few days because I was so scared. Angry that I couldn't enjoy my first moments with her because I couldn't stop worrying. And then I felt ashamed. Who was I to be angry when I had a healthy baby girl in my arms?

So that's the story of Bear. Of my feisty, spunky, sassy, back-talking, non-listening almost two year old. Sometimes I wonder, how much of it is her story & how much of it is the story of sweet baby boy? Does she have her own story? Or is it too intertwined with that of sweet baby boy? Regardless, some day I will tell Bear "her story".