This was my day

6:45am
For the 9th day in a row, Claire wakes up & starts screaming "MY BINK MY BINK MOOOOMMMMAAAAAA" in her I'm a dying cow voice. Give her the damn pacifier, put her back in bed. She wakes Carter up. I get up, fix him a bottle, lay her back down, crash onto the couch. Neither goes back to sleep.
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7:45am
Get kids out of bed. Claire has pooped in her Pull-Up, taken it off & dumped poop all over her bedroom floor. Carter's pooped in his diaper, per the usual-never made a peep. Kid has wicked sensitive skin, so 5 minutes in a dirty diaper & he gets a nasty rash. Clean his stinky butt up, listen to screams of pain because the rash is so bad it hurts to get wiped. Slather him up in butt paste. Really need to let him air out but every single time I let him roam naked, he craps on the floor. Light bulb pops on over head...put him in a pair of Claire's panties! Find the least girly ones possible. Neon green boy shorts. Chase gets up, wants to know what the hell his son is wearing. I tell him. I receive a look that is a mixture of horror & disgust. "Yes, sweetheart. In 10 years when you can't figure out why your son is such a pansy, you can trace it back to the day your wife put a pair of panties" on him. Promise to procure a package of Spider Man manties for future occasions such as this. Am informed that I may call them "drawers. underoos. underwear. Men do not wear panties. Or manties." Cue headache inducing eye rolling.
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8:30am
Announce to Chase that we're going to Babies-R-Us today. We've been semi-quarantined in the house all week due to Chase coming home from work on Monday saying that there's been 1 confirmed case of the swine flu in town & 4 possible ones. Carter was already sick & Claire was acting like she was headed down the same path, so I don't want to take any chances or expose anyone else to whatever the kids may have.

Chase rolls his eyes & mumbles something about an unnecessary trip. I pretend not to hear him, decide we're doing it anyways because I need to get out of this house & it needs to be farther away than the 3 minute drive to Sonic.
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9:15am
Wrapping up breakfast time. Claire decides she's done & proceeds to sweep all of her food off of the table, onto the floor. I mutter "Jesus, Claire. You know better than to do that. I'm sick of picking up trash off of the floor every day." Claire responds "Jesus, Mom. Gah." Before I can censor myself, I blurt out "Oh sh*t. Claire, you aren't supposed to say stuff like that." I am a winner.
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9:30am
Frantically trying to get dressed, diapers in the wash, clothes picked out for the kids because they are batty this morning & I'm about to lose my mind. The doorbell rings & I frantically rack my brain, trying to figure out who it would be. Realize it's our playgroup leader & we have a home visit today. My hair is still sopping wet, Claire is only wearing panties & Carter still has breakfast on his face.
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10:35
Meeting is over. Carter's near meltdown point because he needs a nap. I throw on my shoes, grab a spare diaper & hustle the kids into the car. Hit up Sonic & head out of town. Kids are fussing in the backseat, I'm paying no attention & cruise on past a cop. Instantly realize I'm speeding & pull over. Abandon all pretenses of having any shame & say "Claire, can you cry?" She's already ticked because we're stopped & I've been promising her shopping, so it's an easy one for her. Say "Can you cry louder?" Cop approaches car & without any prompting Claire begins wailing "I want my daddy. Daaaaaaddddyyyyyy." Hand over necessary documents, raise voice to be heard over wailing "Yes, I know I was speeding. I wasn't paying any attention, I was trying to head off a nuclear meltdown." Cop smiles & nods his head. Informs me he'll be back shortly, is going to run my information. Silently praise my husband for finally getting new tags for the Jeep, since they were a) still Oklahoma tags & b) 3 months expired when he got it done. Claire is now officially losing it because she's furious we're not moving. The only way I can pacify her is to tell her we had to stop because Mommy's in trouble. She thinks this is hilarious & begins saying "Mom, you in twuuuuuble, get a spanking." Repeats approximately 37 times, and the cop overhears this. Through his laughter, he tells me that he's dropped the speed he clocked me at so my ticket won't be so much. I tell him I appreciate that. Says "I can sympathize with the angry kids. Also, I'm not citing you for speeding in a construction zone. Normally the fine would be double, but since the men aren't out working today, I'll overlook that. And, I'm not going to cite you for still having an Oklahoma driver's license. Take care of that." I thank him profusely & we're back on the road. Promise to reward Claire with tator tots for being my accomplice.
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12:00pm
Finally at Babies-R-Us. Greeted by hormonal worker informing me of their clearance sales. She's dangerously close to the kids & is reaching her hands out to paw Roo. Since he's sick & I don't like strangers touching the kids in the first place, I speed off to mumblings of "Geez, someone needs to chill out." And cue instant irritation. Battle with Claire over the 87 things we won't be getting. Pick up the necessities, hit the clearance racks to find some clothes for Roo. Turn my back for 10 seconds. Turn around & see that Carter has figured out how to squirm out of the seatbelt & is standing up in the seat. Have a mini heart attack. Put him back in the belt & tighten it so much he can barely move. Pay for our stuff, leave bags at customer service desk because he needs a diaper change & Claire is grabbing her crotch. Speed to the mom's room or whatever they call it. Strap the wild man down on the table, get diaper off, he pees all over himself & the table. Claire attempts to run out of the room. Tell the little man he'd better not move, because he understands things like that, right? & take off after Claire. Get him diapered & redressed, walk across the hall to the bathroom. Someone's in the big stall. Great. Cram the three of us + diaper bag into inhumanly small stall. Leave door open. Claire announces "Momma, I no go poop. You poop Mom? Have stinkies? I no go poop. Pooped in diaper this morning. Mom, I put poop on my floor. Ewww, Mom. Hey Mom. Hey Mom. MOM! Can you poop Mom?" Laughter erupts from the next stall. Claire is finished, hops down off of the toilet & sticks her hand in the water. What the hell do I do now? I can't put Carter down on the floor, wipe her hands, pull her panties up & flush the toilet all at the same time. Balance Carter on my knee, set diaper bag down on germ infested floor, pull her panties up, use my shirt to wipe her hands & flush the toilet with my foot. She can't reach the faucets & I can't pick both kids up, so I clean her hands the best I can with wipes. Race to the front of the store, pick our stuff up, load the kids in the car & take off.
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1:17pm
Carter falls asleep instantly in his seat. Claire begins incessant demands for tots. Reassure her we're on our way. Claire chatters nonstop. "I dropped my doll. Get my doll. Where's my phone? Mom, stop driving. Mom. Mom. Hey Mom. Mom, get my doll. Mom, stop driving." Claire, for the love of all things holy. I just want to get a coffee & we'll get your lunch. "Mom. Mom. Mom. I dropped my doll. Hey mom. Stop driving. Get my doll. Mom. Mom. I call Daddy. Daddy get my doll. Hey Mom. Mom. Mom." "CLAIRE. I cannot get your doll while I'm driving. I will get it as soon as we stop." Cue the tears. Aaah. Blessed silence. "Mom. Claire's still crying." Dear daughter, let me just hand you the knife so you can jab it in & twist it. Finally make it to Starbucks. "Mom. Mom. I need coffee too. Get Claire coffee. And tots. Tots. Where's my tots? Mom. I need tots. TOTS NOW." Get coffee. Cannot find a Sonic to save my life. McDonald's will have to do. Claire, do you want hamburger or nuggets? "Yes, please." Pick one. "Sammich." OK. Burger it is. Realize McDonald's milk doesn't come with that handy little foil seal to poke a straw through. Find a sippy cup in the backseat. Open it, give it a sniff. No stink, no mold, no stickies? Good to go. Fix her up, climb back in front, take off. "Mom. Mom. This not tots. I want tots. Mom. You said tots. TOTS. TOTS. Dad gets tots." 30 minutes from home, Carter wakes up. "THAT. THAT. THAT. MOOMMMMAAAA. THAT." Convince Claire to share her fries. Peace in the backseat. 10 minutes from home. Meltdowns attacking my ears from both sides of the car. Turn up music so I can't hear it. Ahhhhh. We're finally home.
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2:57pm
Make Carter's bottle & Claire's cup of water. Give both kids their medicine. Off to bed we go. Claire falls asleep instantly. Carter fights it for over two hours. Should be cleaning house but would rather lay on the couch.
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5:30pm
Claire's awake, house is not clean, dinner isn't even planned out. I need to go to bed.
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