It's a big jumbly mess, but it's something

I'm back. I didn't intend to stay away for so long, but it's been nice. A much needed break.

Even still, I'm struggling to come up with something to post about. I've been overwhelmed, underwhelmed & in between lately. I have a feeling this post will end up quite disjointed, bouncing from here to there, because I've had hundreds of things I've wanted to write about but can never remember them once I sit down.

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Information overload on the internet. Toddler tantrum overload. Bad health overload. Doctors appointment overload. Lack of energy. Lack of motivation. Lack of inspiration.

Carter had tubes put in last Friday. I'm keeping my fingers crossed they work as well for him as they have for Claire. I go in for my second hand surgery next Friday. Same as the first time...the surgery itself doesn't phase me. I'm already panicking about getting the stitches pulled out.

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I think part of my apathy towards blogging & communicating online lately has been due to feeling disconnected from people in my every day life. Here, online, if someone asks you a question or vice versa, it's easy to ignore if you don't want to answer. It's easy to pretend you didn't see the message or got sidetracked & were too busy to respond. It's easy to ignore someone who rubs you the wrong way, knowing you don't have to see them.

If you know me & have been my friend for any length of time, you know I dislike talking on the phone. Almost to the point that Chase often wonders why he pays for me to have a phone. I'd rather email, chat, or just see you in person. Last week I ran into a friend & thought something was off. I debated for 6 hours. SIX hours, people. Debated if I should call & ask if everything was OK. I didn't want to just send her a message because I felt like, if I was concerned enough to think I needed to ask if everything was OK, then it deserved a phone call. But I hesitated to call because what if my concern wasn't welcome? What if I was sticking my nose where it didn't belong? Because if I called, she couldn't just ignore me like she could if I sent an email.

(I did call. And things were OK.)

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Twitter is too much sometimes. Constant back & forth. Knowing every little detail of someone's day.

Getting close to someone you think you know, only to find out most, if not all (will you ever know? Can you trust anything they say ever again?) of what they've told you in the past is a lie.

Perhaps friends on Twitter come across as more passionate in their 140 characters than they do on their blogs because they have to figure out how to cram everything into such a small blurb. Does this make us more inclined to believe what they are telling us? Because they are more persuasive? Is this what leads us to their blogs, to share in their lives?

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My kids are growing. Seasons are changing. I'm starting to be hit, for the first time in 13 months, the reality of having two 2 & under. Carter isn't so "portable" any more. He's developed quite the stubborn streak. Isn't quite so content to hang out in the baby carrier. He wants, no-needs, to be where Claire is, doing what she is, eating what she has, grabbing the toys in her hands.

Claire is finally coming into being two. Defiance, attitude, outright naughtiness. Yet she almost always manages to make us laugh, even in moments when she should be being punished.

I think this winter will be a long one. With Chase working as a pharmacist, he's #1 or #2 in line to deal with all the sickness. He does as much as he can to limit the kids exposure to anything he encounters during the day, but he can only do so much. I'm grateful for how healthy my kids really are, but in all reality, they seem to catch anything the neighbor two blocks away has.

We'll be spending a lot of time at home this winter, trying to minimize our chances of catching anything. And already, that thought is getting me down. We've skipped so many things already, after coming off of 6 straight weeks of someone being sick with something.

I'm not going to let it get me down, though. I've been there before, many many years ago & it's not somewhere I ever want to go back to. I'll figure something out. Baking & cooking have been my crutch lately. If we can't get out of the house, at least I can get into my kitchen.

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