This was my day

6:45am
For the 9th day in a row, Claire wakes up & starts screaming "MY BINK MY BINK MOOOOMMMMAAAAAA" in her I'm a dying cow voice. Give her the damn pacifier, put her back in bed. She wakes Carter up. I get up, fix him a bottle, lay her back down, crash onto the couch. Neither goes back to sleep.
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7:45am
Get kids out of bed. Claire has pooped in her Pull-Up, taken it off & dumped poop all over her bedroom floor. Carter's pooped in his diaper, per the usual-never made a peep. Kid has wicked sensitive skin, so 5 minutes in a dirty diaper & he gets a nasty rash. Clean his stinky butt up, listen to screams of pain because the rash is so bad it hurts to get wiped. Slather him up in butt paste. Really need to let him air out but every single time I let him roam naked, he craps on the floor. Light bulb pops on over head...put him in a pair of Claire's panties! Find the least girly ones possible. Neon green boy shorts. Chase gets up, wants to know what the hell his son is wearing. I tell him. I receive a look that is a mixture of horror & disgust. "Yes, sweetheart. In 10 years when you can't figure out why your son is such a pansy, you can trace it back to the day your wife put a pair of panties" on him. Promise to procure a package of Spider Man manties for future occasions such as this. Am informed that I may call them "drawers. underoos. underwear. Men do not wear panties. Or manties." Cue headache inducing eye rolling.
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8:30am
Announce to Chase that we're going to Babies-R-Us today. We've been semi-quarantined in the house all week due to Chase coming home from work on Monday saying that there's been 1 confirmed case of the swine flu in town & 4 possible ones. Carter was already sick & Claire was acting like she was headed down the same path, so I don't want to take any chances or expose anyone else to whatever the kids may have.

Chase rolls his eyes & mumbles something about an unnecessary trip. I pretend not to hear him, decide we're doing it anyways because I need to get out of this house & it needs to be farther away than the 3 minute drive to Sonic.
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9:15am
Wrapping up breakfast time. Claire decides she's done & proceeds to sweep all of her food off of the table, onto the floor. I mutter "Jesus, Claire. You know better than to do that. I'm sick of picking up trash off of the floor every day." Claire responds "Jesus, Mom. Gah." Before I can censor myself, I blurt out "Oh sh*t. Claire, you aren't supposed to say stuff like that." I am a winner.
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9:30am
Frantically trying to get dressed, diapers in the wash, clothes picked out for the kids because they are batty this morning & I'm about to lose my mind. The doorbell rings & I frantically rack my brain, trying to figure out who it would be. Realize it's our playgroup leader & we have a home visit today. My hair is still sopping wet, Claire is only wearing panties & Carter still has breakfast on his face.
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10:35
Meeting is over. Carter's near meltdown point because he needs a nap. I throw on my shoes, grab a spare diaper & hustle the kids into the car. Hit up Sonic & head out of town. Kids are fussing in the backseat, I'm paying no attention & cruise on past a cop. Instantly realize I'm speeding & pull over. Abandon all pretenses of having any shame & say "Claire, can you cry?" She's already ticked because we're stopped & I've been promising her shopping, so it's an easy one for her. Say "Can you cry louder?" Cop approaches car & without any prompting Claire begins wailing "I want my daddy. Daaaaaaddddyyyyyy." Hand over necessary documents, raise voice to be heard over wailing "Yes, I know I was speeding. I wasn't paying any attention, I was trying to head off a nuclear meltdown." Cop smiles & nods his head. Informs me he'll be back shortly, is going to run my information. Silently praise my husband for finally getting new tags for the Jeep, since they were a) still Oklahoma tags & b) 3 months expired when he got it done. Claire is now officially losing it because she's furious we're not moving. The only way I can pacify her is to tell her we had to stop because Mommy's in trouble. She thinks this is hilarious & begins saying "Mom, you in twuuuuuble, get a spanking." Repeats approximately 37 times, and the cop overhears this. Through his laughter, he tells me that he's dropped the speed he clocked me at so my ticket won't be so much. I tell him I appreciate that. Says "I can sympathize with the angry kids. Also, I'm not citing you for speeding in a construction zone. Normally the fine would be double, but since the men aren't out working today, I'll overlook that. And, I'm not going to cite you for still having an Oklahoma driver's license. Take care of that." I thank him profusely & we're back on the road. Promise to reward Claire with tator tots for being my accomplice.
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12:00pm
Finally at Babies-R-Us. Greeted by hormonal worker informing me of their clearance sales. She's dangerously close to the kids & is reaching her hands out to paw Roo. Since he's sick & I don't like strangers touching the kids in the first place, I speed off to mumblings of "Geez, someone needs to chill out." And cue instant irritation. Battle with Claire over the 87 things we won't be getting. Pick up the necessities, hit the clearance racks to find some clothes for Roo. Turn my back for 10 seconds. Turn around & see that Carter has figured out how to squirm out of the seatbelt & is standing up in the seat. Have a mini heart attack. Put him back in the belt & tighten it so much he can barely move. Pay for our stuff, leave bags at customer service desk because he needs a diaper change & Claire is grabbing her crotch. Speed to the mom's room or whatever they call it. Strap the wild man down on the table, get diaper off, he pees all over himself & the table. Claire attempts to run out of the room. Tell the little man he'd better not move, because he understands things like that, right? & take off after Claire. Get him diapered & redressed, walk across the hall to the bathroom. Someone's in the big stall. Great. Cram the three of us + diaper bag into inhumanly small stall. Leave door open. Claire announces "Momma, I no go poop. You poop Mom? Have stinkies? I no go poop. Pooped in diaper this morning. Mom, I put poop on my floor. Ewww, Mom. Hey Mom. Hey Mom. MOM! Can you poop Mom?" Laughter erupts from the next stall. Claire is finished, hops down off of the toilet & sticks her hand in the water. What the hell do I do now? I can't put Carter down on the floor, wipe her hands, pull her panties up & flush the toilet all at the same time. Balance Carter on my knee, set diaper bag down on germ infested floor, pull her panties up, use my shirt to wipe her hands & flush the toilet with my foot. She can't reach the faucets & I can't pick both kids up, so I clean her hands the best I can with wipes. Race to the front of the store, pick our stuff up, load the kids in the car & take off.
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1:17pm
Carter falls asleep instantly in his seat. Claire begins incessant demands for tots. Reassure her we're on our way. Claire chatters nonstop. "I dropped my doll. Get my doll. Where's my phone? Mom, stop driving. Mom. Mom. Hey Mom. Mom, get my doll. Mom, stop driving." Claire, for the love of all things holy. I just want to get a coffee & we'll get your lunch. "Mom. Mom. Mom. I dropped my doll. Hey mom. Stop driving. Get my doll. Mom. Mom. I call Daddy. Daddy get my doll. Hey Mom. Mom. Mom." "CLAIRE. I cannot get your doll while I'm driving. I will get it as soon as we stop." Cue the tears. Aaah. Blessed silence. "Mom. Claire's still crying." Dear daughter, let me just hand you the knife so you can jab it in & twist it. Finally make it to Starbucks. "Mom. Mom. I need coffee too. Get Claire coffee. And tots. Tots. Where's my tots? Mom. I need tots. TOTS NOW." Get coffee. Cannot find a Sonic to save my life. McDonald's will have to do. Claire, do you want hamburger or nuggets? "Yes, please." Pick one. "Sammich." OK. Burger it is. Realize McDonald's milk doesn't come with that handy little foil seal to poke a straw through. Find a sippy cup in the backseat. Open it, give it a sniff. No stink, no mold, no stickies? Good to go. Fix her up, climb back in front, take off. "Mom. Mom. This not tots. I want tots. Mom. You said tots. TOTS. TOTS. Dad gets tots." 30 minutes from home, Carter wakes up. "THAT. THAT. THAT. MOOMMMMAAAA. THAT." Convince Claire to share her fries. Peace in the backseat. 10 minutes from home. Meltdowns attacking my ears from both sides of the car. Turn up music so I can't hear it. Ahhhhh. We're finally home.
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2:57pm
Make Carter's bottle & Claire's cup of water. Give both kids their medicine. Off to bed we go. Claire falls asleep instantly. Carter fights it for over two hours. Should be cleaning house but would rather lay on the couch.
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5:30pm
Claire's awake, house is not clean, dinner isn't even planned out. I need to go to bed.
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Having two hands is overrated

If only that were true. I am hunting & pecking my way across the keyboard. All I need is a pair of glasses perched on my nose & I'm like your grampa, trying to figure out this new fangled keyboard thing ovah-heah.

I was told the surgery was nothing, not a big deal. Let me tell you. For me? It was a big deal. Anything that involves hospital clothing & an IV is a big deal. Having the anesthesiologist make jokes at your expense is a big deal. My husband apparently gets a kick out of me making a fool of myself & he was all too happy to let me keep possession of my phone once the meds started kicking in. If you follow me on Twitter, you got a glimpse of what it would be like to go out drinking with me.

I'd entertain you with "druken" tweets for a while but dzmn does thzt med kick in fadt. And I dont know you well enough to shae my dronk

Once my sister called my attention to that, {which I never remembered sending}, I immediately handed my phone over.

The surgery went fine. They said the cyst was the size of a grape. I didn't get to take a picture of it, or even see it, because I was totally knocked out the entire time. The numbness they put in my arm was supposed to last 4-6hrs so Chase & I took our time, went & ate lunch & then were on our way across town so I could get a gallon sized coffee from Starbucks. And then, BAM, in about 2 minutes flat, all the numb wore off. So he sped home while I cursed like a sailor every time he hit a bump. And like a true junkie in need of a fix, I ripped open the pill bottle right there in the pharmacy & downed two pain pills.

My mom was here to take care of the kids & help me out since Chase had to work the next two days & I tool advantage of it, keeping up a steady diet of pain pills & chocolate, with lots of sleep mixed in. Saturday afternoon the pills suddenly revenged on me & instead of being all mellow & laid back, I went totally manic. Shaking, sweating, bouncing off the walls, crashing for 5 minutes & then starting all over again. I'm not a fan of pain pills in the 1st place. They make me itch like nobody's business & I don't like not feeling in control of myself. So for the last week, I've tried to control the pain with good 'ol Advil.

So how awesome is only having one usable hand? I've had to rely on Chase to wash my hair for me. Trying to dry & straighten it is miserable. It takes close to an hour, which is not cool, considering my hair is shorter than my 2 year old's. I have to take a bath with a bag taped over my hand. In the kid's tub, no less. The 1st morning, I sunk to a new low & had to holler at Chase to come shave my armpits for me. Now, if that isn't love & devotion, I'm not quite sure what is. I'm sick of eating quick fix meals because I can't cook anything that requires more than 3 steps, 1 hand & the thumb & index finger of my left hand.

I go back Friday & will hopefully be getting my stitches taken out. I really hope so, because I'm tired of getting kicked in the hand during a diaper change, having to unwrap my hand & remove all the gauze to make sure it didn't bust a stitch, & then re-wrap it. And you know, being able to cook, button my own pants, put on my own bra & drive with both hands will all be nice benefits, too.

And I really have the feeling that this post is kind of all over the place & hasn't really moved along smoothly, but I'm typing under the influence. I stretched my fingers out tonight on accident & pulled on my stitches really hard, so I caved & took a pain pill & it's really hit me hard.

{Oh & to prove just how time consuming doing everything with just.one.hand. is? It took me 53 minutes to type this little post. Frack.}

Dear Lump

Dear Louise the Lump:

Just a heads up. Tomorrow is your eviction day. You've stuck around for almost 4 months now.

I'm sure you've been hoping that I'd eventually grow fond of you. Wished that we'd become the best of friends. Obviously, we haven't.

You grow at a ridiculous rate. You are approximately 8 times the size you were when I first discovered you. You're like a little parasite, feeding on my finger, my nutrients, perhaps even my blood? You started out about the size of a piece of pea gravel. Now you are roughly the size of a small grape.

You are, to put it simply, annoying. I can't grip anything with any amount of strength or you start protesting. Any time I smack my hand on something, you scream in anger.

Honestly, I'm quite tired of you. And as much as I fear the block they'll be inserting in my armpit tomorrow morning, I'm relieved that you'll finally be gone. I am not looking forward to having my hand stitched & bandaged for two weeks, but if that's what it takes to get rid of you, I'll suffer.

Sincerely,
Cara


For those of you wondering what the frack I'm talking about...I have a ganglion cyst on my left middle finger. Conveniently, it is getting to the point where it is sometimes hard to bend my hand into a fist, so when I'm driving & that middle finger makes it's way into an upright position, I just say "Sorry, it has a mind of it's own!"

I was totally going to link to a picture of a ganglion cyst but all the ones I found? Just made me sick to my stomach. That was definitely the wrong thing to do the day before the surgery. Perhaps if I'm not feeling too grossed out when it's all over tomorrow I'll take a picture of it. Don't hold your breath, though.

Oh hai Tuesday...

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! I haven't been feeling very random lately, which explains my absence the past few weeks. That's all about to change though...

I'm trying to figure out what part of the universe I pissed off recently. Yesterday, I was awoken by every lady's best friend. Then, after getting out of the shower, was treated to a nekkid Carter, complete with a soaked bed. I got him & his bed all cleaned up & with bottle in hand, he passed back out. 8 o'clock rolls around & Claire wakes up crying, complaining of a stomach ache. I get both kids out of bed, change 2 disgusting diapers & then about 45 minutes later, walk in to Claire screaming in her chair. I get her up from the table & she immediately pukes all over me, herself & the dining room floor. I managed to hold it together & not return the favor. So that's 3 strikes against me, all before 9:00am. Later in the day, not only do I find a rotten cup of milk hiding in the playroom but I also discover more puke on the dining room wall. The kicker? We weren't even standing close to that wall when Claire lost it.

After I got her out of the tub, she looked at me with the saddest little face & said "Oh Momma. I spit. Berry much. No more, okay?" And then she spent the rest of the morning in baby heaven, laying in her bed watching Elmo. It's only on the rare occasion {i.e. being extremely sick} that the TV gets put in her bedroom, so she knew it was a special treat.

I admit. I am not the world's best driver. But seriously people. It's called common frickin' sense. Turn signals are a standard feature on every vehicle. When you're cutting through the lanes in a parking lot? You do not have the right of way. Unless there is a sign specifically stating "no right turn on red" you do not need to wait. And lady who delivers the evening paper in our neighborhood? There is absolutely no reason to take the curve in front of my house at 40mph. The only reason I haven't called the paper to complain yet is because she doesn't come around til about 5:00 & it's too late to call the office & then I forget about it until the next time I see her speeding by.

I did not take advantage of being hormonal today & use that as my excuse to eat frosting straight out of the can. Never.

I'm beginning to rethink putting the beastlets into the bathtub together. Sunday night Claire reached down, gave Roo's wiener a big 'ol yank & screamed "BRUDDER! IT'S YOUR PEEEEEEEEEEEPEEEEEEE!"

I have done TWENTY FOUR loads of laundry in one week. Holy mother. I am instituting a nekkid policy around these parts. So consider yourself warned. You show up at my house with no warning? We won't have pants on.

What happens when you put the baby gate up & tell the kids to play in their playroom while you try to get some cleaning done? THIS:

{and just in case you need to know...hand sanitizer makes permanent marker wipe right off.}

And so begins the butthurt. They started digging up our yard today. We're having it all ripped out, dirt moved around, drain spouts installed, sprinkler system installed & sod laid. Thankfully we're having this spaced out over several months, otherwise I'd have to start selling off possessions. And kids. But mostly possessions.

Beans & Ham Muffins

The tiny little piece of country in girl me ♥ a big 'ol bowl of beans with cornbread on the side. Brown beans are a big nasty no over here in Casa de Beasty but I do love me some navy beans.

My favorite way to make them is to let them simmer in the crockpot for about 8 hours. I follow a pretty simple recipe:

1/2 a bag, give or take, of navy beans; sorted & rinsed.
{Any more than 1/2 a bag ends up going to waste in our house, so I am able to make 2 full meals out of 1 bag of beans.}
3 fat slices of salt pork, cut into thin strips & fried.
1/2 an onion, sliced in chunks & fried in the salt pork grease.
Generous palmful of kosher salt
Generous sprinkle of pepper
32oz chicken broth
Water, as needed

After sorting & rinsing the beans, put in crockpot & cover with about 16oz of chicken broth. Fry the salt pork, add to pot. Fry the onion in the salt pork grease then add to the pot. Add salt & pepper & any other seasonings you want. Fill the crockpot to 3/4 full with water.

As the beans cook during the day, stir periodically, replenishing fluid level with equal parts chicken broth & water.

I generally cook mine on high for about 4 hours to get the cooking process started, then turn the heat down to low for another 3-4 hours, until the beans reach the tenderness we like.

Now the old, poor college student me used to just whip up a box of Jif cornbread mix to accompany this meal. Really...how can you turn down a box of cornbread that only costs $0.33? Now, I still enjoy the sweet sugary goodness of Jif on occasion, but I've fallen in love with these muffins & they have replaced my old standby at almost every occasion.



{Taken from the "Taste of Home Guilt Free Cooking" cookbook}

Ham 'n Cheese Muffins
1/3C finely chopped onion
1Tbs butter
2C shredded reduced-fat cheddar cheese
1 1/2C reduced-fat biscuit/baking mix
1/2C fat-free milk
1 egg, beaten
1C finely chopped fully cooked ham {I've also substituted turkey}

1. In a nonstick skillet, saute the onion in butter until tender; set aside. In a large bowl {I rely on my KitchenAid mixer for any & every mixing task}, combine the cheese & biscuit mix. Stir in the milk & egg just until moistened. Fold in the ham & onion.

2. Coat muffin cups with cooking spray or use paper liners; feel 3/4 full with batter. Bake at 425 for 13-15 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. Cool for 5 minutes before removing from pan to a wire rack. Serve warm.

I've also substituted good 'ol pancake mix when I was completely out of baking mix & they were just as good, if not better! These are great alongside a bowl of beans or chili, or even for breakfast with some scrambled eggs.



The best part about this meal? It's ridiculously cheap & usually lasts us for 2 meals. It's also fairly healthy & could be even healthier if I left out the fried salt pork.

Wordful Wednesday

The girl's got a wicked sense of style. This was what she wanted to wear to the fair on Sunday night. In case you can't tell? It's her Abby "Dabby" birthday outfit, paired with neon blue legwarmers with multi-colored stars & pink Hello Kitty rainboots. Nevermind the fact that it was 95 degrees out.



And this little squeezable ball of goo is going to be one in 37 days. Those chubby little cheeks & big blue eyes melt my heart all over again every single day.