Well hello there, Little Miss Potty Mouth

And no, I'm not talking about the usual four letter words most parents are shocked to hear tumbling out of their precious, sweet lipped babies.

Because, let's be honest here. I'm prone to dropping a few of them myself. If Claire were to say, drop something on her foot & rip off a sh**, I'd probably snicker before I got on to her. We quickly broke her of her habit of saying "Oh, momma...das a dammit iddn't it?" whenever she did something she knew was wrong.

When the kids finally turn front facing in their carseats? I'm going to have to think of something constructive to do with my hands so they don't catch me flipping the proverbial bird when someone makes me mad in traffic. That's the last thing I need...Claire showing her teacher & all of the kids at school the new sign language she's learned.

The potty mouth I'm talking about is STUPID. Stupid, dumb, idiot, fool, retard...to me, those are worse than any curse word that Claire or Carter could utter. I have zero tolerance for name calling. Which is why I'm unsure of where she picked this up. TV? School? I don't know. I do not call Chase or the kids any name like that.

I've never had tolerance for people belittling another person's intelligence. Even more so after I was called stupid by a teacher, in front of the entire class. I couldn't tell you now what we were learning that day, just that it was math, which has always been a weak spot for me. I'd asked for help 3 or 4 times, trying to solve the problem in each way she explained it. Finally, after my last plea for help, the teacher loudly announced: "Are you stupid or something? This is not a hard problem!" The entire class heard, the entire class snickered.

That was, quite possibly, the most humiliating moment I'd ever experienced in school. Worse than the time I puked all over the lunchroom table. Worse than finding out a teacher had purposely not been grading my papers, which resulted in her & my mom getting in an argument & me being pulled from her class. Worse than any time I tripped over my own two clumsy feet & crashed in front of large groups.

If it was that humiliating & upsetting to me, try imagining how hurtful words like that are to someone who is trying their hardest yet they know that they aren't the smartest-whether it be book smart or every day smarts.

That is why, today, as I was getting dressed & the kids were at the table eating lunch, when I heard "stoooo stoooo ahahhaa Cahwah, you stoooo" my blood started to boil. I tried to keep my cool & asked Claire: "What did you just say?" She responded: "I tell Cahwah he stooopid hahahahaa." I pulled out the sternest voice I could find & firmly told her: "You do not, DO NOT call people names like that. That is a naughty word & I don't want you to ever say it again. That word hurts Carter's feelings & it hurts Mommy's, too." I felt bad, speaking to her so sternly, but that is one behavior I will not tolerate from my kids. Once she apologized to Carter, I told her if I ever heard that word again, she would be getting soap in her mouth. I've never done that to her before, but from the look on her face, it was as if she was conjuring up memories of which soap tasted the worst.

Having said that, I'll go ahead & apologize in advance now for the times you might hear my kids slip up with a curse word while our kids are playing together. But at least I won't have to make them apologize for calling your kid a name & hurting their feelings.

Going it alone

I oftentimes feel like I'm going it alone when it comes to caring for Claire & Carter. Chase is an amazing husband, an even more amazing father, & an incredibly hard worker.

Before I start complaining too much. I know that I'm incredibly lucky in the simple fact that he comes home every night. He doesn't have a dangerous job. Unless of course, someone happens to have run out of their crazy meds & he, for some unknown reason, decides not to give them a refill. I digress. He has job security. Because, really. People aren't going to stop going to the doctor & they aren't going to stop taking their medication.

But his schedule? It sucks. He is the only full-time pharmacist in his store. On his days off they have to bring someone in from another store to cover. So when they can't find someone, he ends up working extra days. He is only supposed to work 4 days a week. He works from 9a-7p.

And that's where the suck starts. He normally rolls out of bed around 8:30. Just enough time to get dressed for the day, drink a cup of coffee & catch about 5 minutes of the news. He squeezes in a little cuddle time with the kids, we might have a semi-coherent conversation if I've been able to get in my cup of coffee, & then at 8:50 he's out the door.

The kids are up by 7:30, so from 7:30-8:30, I'm trying to crawl out of my sleep deprived cave & remember that the kids don't get that I'm not a morning person. They don't get that I require that first cup of coffee to get my day started. So to make up for their lack of understanding, they get their cup & bottle & get to enjoy an hour-ish of mind numbing Disney channel fluff. They get their 10 minutes of Daddy time, and then the day gets started.

Breakfast is at 9. By 9:45, Roo's ready for his first nap. Claire & I cuddle for a little bit & then she "helps" me clean up the kitchen. We find our clothes for the day, pick up stray toys, & enjoy our girl time. Once Roo wakes up, the kids get dressed & we generally head out to kill an our or two. We go see Chase at work. 9 times out of 10, we don't need to buy a thing, but we go anyways, just so the kids can talk to & hug on their Daddy for a few minutes. We run to Sonic, where Claire knows that as soon as my window goes down, I'll ask for a "bina COKE!" We run any errands that I haven't been able to do on Chase's last day off & then head home for lunch. Naptime is between 12:30-1:00, depending on how crazy our morning was.

Once the kids wake up, it's snacktime, part I. And then? Who knows. Most days, afternoons are a crapshoot. I never know if I'm going to have my two little superstars or if I'm going to go retrieve the Loch Ness monster's offspring from their beds. Some days we just hang out at home, the kids in their playroom while I try to get a little work done, some days we're outside with the other kids. Basically, we're doing whatever we can to make the hours between 3:00 & 6:00 go as fast as possible. Around 6:00, the kids sit down for snacktime, part II & I get started on dinner. Not only does the second snack help me get dinner ready, but the kids need to have another one to tide them over since dinnertime isn't until about 7:15.

Once Chase gets home, we sit down & eat, rushing through the meal so I can get the kids in & out of the tub as fast as possible so that they can have some quality time with Dad. Bedtime is 8:30 & is pretty much non-negotiable. Partly for my sanity, but mostly because that's when the kids are done & anything later than that is a recipe for disaster.

That's why I feel like most days I'm going at this crazy thing called parenting alone. It's a great day if the kids get to spend 2 hours with Chase. He misses the funnies, the tears, the accidents & triumphs. He misses the good behavior and also the bad. And I think the kids realize this. Because when Chase is home, they are almost always on their best behavior. They show off, they giggle & squeal, they dig out toys & books & drop them in his lap. They climb & crawl, try to wrestle, poke his eyes. These kids adore their Daddy & take every opportunity to let him know.

Our time together as a family is limited. Every other week, Chase has a 3 day weekend. Lately those weekends have been filled with trips back to Oklahoma to attend one family function after another. The other week is a 5 day week, leaving even less time to watch his babes grow. Again with the luck. I am lucky to have a husband & father to my children that literally craves time with his kids. Misses them so much that at least once a week we grab one of them out of their bed & bring them to ours. Even though we know that 20 minutes later, they'll be wide awake & start fussing to go back to their own. To him, it's worth the whining & tears when they've had enough.

So most days? It's worth feeling like I walk this road alone. No matter how alone I feel, how tested I am, I know that at the end of the day, I've got an amazing man standing by my side, who wants nothing more than for his wife & children to be happy. A man who would walk to China & back to make sure his kids have everything their heart desires. A man who is blessed enough to know that, even though their time together is limited, the love & admiration he has for his children is returned, tenfold.

Are any of you single moms, truly walking this road alone? Do any of you feel this same way?

Feeling lost

I adore my husband & couldn't ask for better in-laws. I love my sister & her husband.

But seriously. This group of people couldn't make me feel dumber if they tried.

Here's the rundown. Between the Doctor, his 3 siblings & their husbands, & my sister & her husband we have the following: Pharmacist, pilot, a degree in marketing, a nurse, a degree in finance, a nearing Poli-Sci major with hopes of law school, one working on a Master's degree, & an aspiring doctor.

And then, there's me. College dropout, average jobs worker, stay-at-home mom.

I hated college. Despised it. Couldn't have cared less about showing up to class, as evidenced by two big fat F's my first semester. Working 40 hours a week while trying to make my way through 14-16 hours at a time didn't provide for much motivation to study & do homework, either.

After a year & a half of college, I dropped out. Became another statistic. 6 months later, I moved across the state with Doctor so he could go to pharmacy school. For the next 3 years, I worked long hours at mediocre jobs so I could support us, so he wouldn't have to work. Went back to school for a year. Tried to finish up my basics while working 40 hours a week & lugging my pregnant behind around campus. Finished my last class just 2 weeks before I had Bear.

And you know what? 99.9% of the time, I don't regret any of my decisions. I don't regret not staying in school to rack up more student loan debt just to get a piece of paper that most likely would never be used. I don't regret, not for one moment, working to help put Doctor through school. I never regret staying home with the babes.

I've always known that staying at home with my children is exactly what I would do. I can't think of anything better, for me, to be here with my kids all day, every day. To be there for the ups & downs. The doctor's appointments, the field trips, play groups, grocery shopping, sick days in bed, potty training, messy lunches, skinned knees, tantrums, screaming & crying. I want to be home, doing everything for my kids. Ironing Doctor's clothes, making his lunch, taking care of dinner. Even the mundane things like dishes, laundry, shampooing the carpets, taking out the garbage. It's what I do, and I love it.

So why do I let it get to me that I'm the only one who doesn't (or won't) have a college degree? Why do I let myself feel like less of a person because I don't have a $20,000 piece of paper with my name on it? Like my days aren't as accomplished because I sit down at the computer to blog or catch up with friends rather than compile another spreadsheet, send an email about the latest figures, or design some fancy new logo?

I sometimes get so caught up in what everyone else is doing or has done, in celebrating someone else's graduation or new job, in listening to who they got to meet at work. I often feel left out because I can't join in the conversation on what the latest trend is or what article should be read because it pertains to something about a job. I feel looked down on because I didn't finish school. Because I "just stay home" with the kids.

On Mother's Day, of all days, I'm feeling more lost than I have in a long time. On the day I should feel the most accomplished, because I've got two wonderful, amazing children who worship me, who rely on me for everything, who are happy to spend all their time with me. I've got a husband who adores me, who wants me doing no other job than the one I currently have, who relies on me to be able to get out the door every day to go to his job.

I know there will be people who read this & think "oh, for crying out loud. You've got the luxury of staying at home, something so many people wish for, & you're whining about it? Seriously?" But that's not the point at all. I'm not whining about it. I wouldn't trade this for any other job. I just feel like my job is seen as less than some others, just because I don't have that stupid piece of paper that says I'm qualified.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about what I want to do about this. Here I sit, with 60+ hours of college credit that don't really add up to anything. I've worked my fair share of jobs that have all given me skills to do basic, non-specialized jobs. Things that really aren't needed to kiss scraped knees, make a bottle, peel & slice an apple. Skills that don't help potty training go any easier, or teach Bear how to tie her own shoes or wipe her own butt.

I'd love to find something I'm good at, that I could do from home. Not necessarily to bring in extra money (although that would be nice) but something that would make me feel like I have a little more purpose other than being a walking hankie, a carrier of sippies, the lost binkie finder, butt wiper, snack maker*. Maybe one day, finish up a degree-even if it is just a general education degree. That way I can say "Oh yeah. I have one of those pieces of paper, too. It just took me a little longer to get mine."



*you know, now that I write it all out...it's just that much more apparent that what I do is pretty damn important-and it's a whole heckuva lot of work.

Around the World in 80 Clicks

The lovely Jenni from Oscarelli tagged me for the Around the World in 80 Clicks meme. The idea is to link mommy bloggers all over the world in a kind of virtual, international play date.

The rules are to list five things you love about parenthood and link back to the meme's authors, Catherine at Her Bad Mother and David at It's Not a Lecture so they know you need to be added to the departure lounge. Then, you need to tag five other mommy bloggers, some from your country and some from others. David is hooking everyone up - see the HBM post I've linked to above for details.

So, without further ado...here are my 5:

• I love how no one else can comfort my babes like I can. Picking them up, holding them tight & having them snuggle their faces into my shoulder like it is the safest place in the world makes my heart smile. Knowing that just the simple act of holding them, patting their back & whispering a few sweet words into their ear can turn things around for them is a gratifying feeling.
  
• I adore chunky, dimply baby butts. With two under two, I get my fill of baby butts on a daily basis. Bear is cursed blessed with the cutest little baby bubble butt you've ever seen. Roo, who has been a grumpy old man since the day he was born, has the teeny tiny 'ol man hiney to accompany the personality.
  
• Cuddles & kisses. Both babes co-slept for their first few months. There is absolutely nothing in the world like having a warm little bundle snuggled into your arms, hearing that contented sigh, & having that tiny little fist sputter around until it lands on your cheek to give you a loving stroke. And when they learn to reciprocate (or even initiate) a slobbery little kiss? It makes my day.
  
• I love how motherhood has changed me, inside & out. It's made me stop to appreciate the little things, made the "big picture" snap into focus, hold those closest a little closer. It's made me appreciate myself, my strengths & weaknesses, more than I had ever done in the past. It's made me appreciate the generations of mothers before me, their hard work, sacrifice, & unconditional love for their own children.
  
• Lastly, I love how motherhood has changed my relationship with the Doctor. We had an amazing marriage before the babes but now? I don't know that I could put words on paper as to how I feel about my husband & the bond we have. I was once told to think long & hard about when having children would "be right" for our relationship because adding to the family dynamics can make or break a relationship. Not that I ever doubted our relationship, but bringing these two beauties into our lives has definitely "made" us.
  

And now for my 5:

• Denise at A Cautionary Talespin
  
• Kyooty at KyootyCenter
  
• Ali at Momma Ali
  
• Peggy at Stir Crazy in the Suburbs
  
• Beth at Momma Bear
  

Asking to pause time...

I am not an eloquent writer. I often have trouble putting my thoughts down on paper (albeit virtual paper). I cherish the moments with my babes that make my heart smile. The ones that make me laugh & the ones that make me cry. I file their beauty away in my mind, storing memories, treasuring the feelings that wash over me.

I always knew that I wanted to be a mother. I've known for as long as I can remember that having children is what would make my life complete. Finding my soulmate & having babies with him has brought me more peace & joy than I could have ever imagined.

99% of the time, I stay away from the blogs & stories of parents who are going through heartbreaking situations with their own babes. My heart cannot take it. Perhaps I am just incredibly selfish. Only wanting to see the good, the funny, the happy, that other mom's have to share. If they are brave enough to put it out there, why can I not be brave enough to share in what they have to say?

Today is one of those rare days that I stop my selfishness, stop my desire to only see the good, stop pretending that there aren't moms out there who deal with constant heartbreak. I crawl out of my self-imposed "cave of goodness".

And it is a slap in the face. It is a wake-up call. It is a big 'ol knock on my door. Reminding me to always be grateful for my two beautiful babes.

As I was reading about beautiful baby Stellan this afternoon, and catching up on the latest developments, the tears started pouring.

I felt ashamed for the times I'd been short with Bear the past week. I felt ashamed for the moments I didn't snatch Roo up & snuggle him when he cried for me. I felt ashamed for not feeling grateful for every second I had with my two beautiful, healthy babes.

Reminding myself that those are normal things, normal feelings, normal normal normal for every day life with two babes didn't help.

Bear, in her infinite sweetness & ability to just know when I need her, looked at me & said "Momma crying? Momma sad?" and when I replied, "Yes, honey, Momma is crying. Momma isn't sad, though. Momma is thinking about how happy & blessed I am to have you & Roo-baby" she looked at me like she knew exactly what I was talking about. She obliged my request for hugs & kisses (which is rare from my sassy little girl), wiped my tears & said "Momma, no crying. Happy!"

How could my little girl know that's exactly what I needed from her at that exact moment?

And when Roo-baby woke from his nap, I made sure to hug him a little longer, kiss him a few extra times, whisper in his ear just how much I love & adore him.

I do not exaggerate when I say, if anything were to happen to either of my babes, I don't know how I would go on breathing. They are my life, my drive, my will to live. They are the reason I wake in the morning, what keeps me going during the day, sends me crashing into bed at night.

I know it's impossible to pause time. To rewind to that silly laugh, that sloppy kiss, that hug when I needed it most. It's impossible to hit the pause button, slow the growth, halt the walking. The best I can do is appreciate every day with my loves. Take the pictures, remember the words, cherish the hugs & kisses.

And never stop remembering just how truly blessed I am.

If you have time, please. Read Stellan's story. Say a prayer for this sweet babe who has already endured so much.

And also, please. Read about beautiful Maddie. Another sweet angel who needs your love & prayers.

And just pause yourself. Hug & kiss your sweet babes. Laugh at them, shed a few tears of joy. While our prayers & thoughts are wonderful for sweet Stellan & Maddie, to me, the best thing we can do for these beautiful babes is take the time to appreciate what we have.